*WARNING – I curse, I’m vulgar and I don’t care if you get offended.
Recently, the entire watch world has gone apeshit. With conglomerates controlling most large brands, and the focus being nothing but profits, much of what used to be a diverse market is now boring. The amount of brands focusing on “new money” all the while flooding the market with gaudy over sized tacky precious metal clusterfucked with bright colors endorsed by athletes, “timepieces” is overwhelming. And I’m pissed.
Don’t get me wrong, brands that have always had that strategy have my blessing to continue on that path of producing feces-on-wrist style watches. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with having an athlete, or anyone for that matter promote your product. Just don’t try to convince me that it’s a “timepiece” when you decide to buy one.
A timepiece is/should be defined by its engineering, it’s use, its presence, its class, and of course its craftsmanship. What saddens me is that there are a few brands in particular that HAVE an amazing history, HAVE an amazing quality, HAVE an outstanding product, and yet they choose to flood the market with watches that are unlikely to stand the test of time. And what’s more is my belief that these brands are focusing on short term rather than long term – dangerous territory.
My first victim is Audemars Piguet. A brand that has always been second to Patek, and a brand that is certainly no stranger to amazing movements, iconic watches and a strong presence. What saddens me is that instead of competing with Patek and Vacheron, Audemars now sees Hublot in their cross-hairs as a direct competitor. As good as the Unico is, and as smart as Biver is to revamp the brand, Hublot shouldn’t even be allowed to hold a candle to AP! So what does AP do? They focus on ONE case design from the early 70’s (albeit a brilliant one) and dilute the brand with dozens of tacky iterations like the commical “Terminator” piece. C’mon!
And now onto Breitling. WHAT THE HELL. “Breitling for Bentley” should be called “Breitling for Miami”. It blows my mind how EVERY iteration of the Bentley line is uglier, busier, bigger, and MORE DISCOUNTED. How can you take two ICONIC brands like Breitling and Bentley and come up with one horrible looking watch line? Last I checked the Navitimer was beautiful and the Continental isn’t so bad either. Mind blown.
Hublot. Did you think I would forget? As I’ve said before, Biver is brilliant, but man does this brand piss me off. One case design. ONE. Leopard print, neon, overly busy dial’s, etc. are what pisses me off about Hublot. As much as I hate to say it, however, I do respect what the brand has become. We’ll see where they are in 10 years…
Finally, this last brand is painful to put on the list, partially because it is one of my favorites – IWC. How does “ENGINEERED FOR MEN” work when you add a ladies collection?! Wait, maybe the new Portofino collection is perfect for the metrosexual in your life? Cut it out IWC and stick to the grassroots baddassery that we are used to!
If you are annoyed by certain brands, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a description as to why and I’ll gladly respond.